Job Transitions & Work Self Esteem

In the past, I learned things the hard way. I had to walk through the river and get my shoes soaking wet before realizing that the footbridge was probably the better, dryer option. A sort of hypothermia-driven why-did-I-do-that would really drive the point home. Personal testimonies from the experienced fell on deaf ears and typically meant nothing. It's not that I was too proud or didn't care about what others said, just that I had a skull so thick that I couldn't grasp a lesson without tumbling down the hard, longer path first. On the bright side, I think this quality was the result of being financially on my own since a young age, constantly relocating in my twenties, experiencing ridiculous consumer debt and (and then digging myself out of it alone), and generally never settling down. Let's go with that version instead of the likely truth: I was a dangerous combination of strong-willed and glaringly naive. (Inner critic: "Was, Clare?")

A friend recently sent me his resume and asked me to look it over for a position he really wants. He prefaced the e-mail attachment with, "There's no way I'm going to get the job." I replied, "Definitely not with that attitude." If you can't make yourself believe that you belong in a company, that you are needed, how are you even going to interview? It's not about acting or selling. It's about carrying yourself confidently because you believe in yourself.

...I'm not really one to talk. My work self esteem tends to hang on the low side. I have been at my new job for a little over a month now. It was exhilarating (and to be real, terrifying) to go from a safe government position where I held no authority and my every move was micro-managed by three other people to a managerial position within a company where independence and hustle is encouraged. I'm still getting the lay of the land but I'm loving every minute of it. My biggest takeaway so far is that I'm only as qualified as I believe. I work with a group of people that are determined to never work for anyone else in their lives: entrepreneurs. It's inspiring but staggering.

I'm deeply critical of myself so it's easy to wander off into worst case scenario daydreams but I'm not going to learn to how to have the best job I've ever had the hard way.  I love where I am now so I will move forward. I will work hard, push, never give up, and be grateful. I don't say a lot of loving things about myself, but a strong work ethic is just in my nature. I believe in me.

The Cosmopolitan in Las Vegas, WOMMA, and People You Feel Like You Have Known Your Whole Life

view from the room

I go to Las Vegas for WOMMA. The cab driver from the airport is the nicest I've ever had, a fellow named Zy. He tells me all about how he overcame homelessness and that he stopped drinking when he was 21 years old in 1991. He fondly mentions his kids and when I ask how old they are, he says, "They're the furry kind. You should move here and get dogs. No fleas in Nevada. Too dry." Even though the valet guys at the hotel are openly and unnecessarily rude to him, he hands me my bags with a, "Bless your heart, child." My favorite kind of person.

My irreverent, observational sense of humor only makes one person in the elevator visibly uncomfortable but it's still enough to make me stop.

We eat at Ellis Island Brewery, a locals spot. A table for one is seated twice in front of me. Both times are single men, no wedding rings, wearing ball caps. Neither order booze. Both have the soup special, eating and paying efficiently, quietly. Secondhand smoke hangs in my hair and I don't mind because it's part of the charm. The restaurant is 115 feet away from where Tupac Shakur died. I discover this on the walk home because I am fully dismayed that you can Foursquare the spot.

Rev Run breezes past us in the lobby at the Cosmo with his family and entourage. I resist the overwhelming urge to tweet at him.

I work from my hotel room and completely lose track of what time of day it is, only stopping to go out for coffee or absorb conference activities about top notch word of mouth marketing. Katy Perry will perform below where I am staying 24 hours after I leave and it makes me feel fourteen again even though I'm ambivalent about her.

At the networking party by the pool, girls dressed like birds float in plastic bubbles, kneeling in heels. Considering this and the four foot deep Japanese soaking tub in my room upstairs, I am equal parts delighted and appalled by the excess. It only takes one glass of wine to launch me into a glassy-eyed daydream that juxtaposes Las Vegas to the Capitol in the Hunger Games and I snap back to reality when someone introduces themselves, remind myself that I need to stop reading young adult literature.

Ten hours before the flight home, we make a friend named Nate from California and it feels as though I have known him my entire life. We talk in hashtags around Las Vegas Boulevard for four hours while I scout locations for a work-related conference that will happen here in the very near future. He's Christian and my religion is that kindness is just love with its work boots on (a line from House Bunny, to be honest) and so we have common ground.

Social media people = my people.

I also met Lauren, with whom I share the all of the same internet friends. This means we are now friends too.

At the Thursday night network gathering with Lauren. (I got an ombre, p.s.)

November in Pictures

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1. Drew and Brian, my chairlift partners in Keystone.

2. View of Seattle from the rental car on a work trip last week.

3. Bought my first complete snowboard setup. Committing to excellence.

4. Goblin Grog at BFF Whitney's seven course Halloween dinner.

5. Fresh snow runs on the mountains at Keystone.

6. The face of a girl standing in her empty apartment, moments before moving in with the love of her life.

Want to Read Something Disjointed? Okay.

Oh hi, blog.

It's week three at my new job and at the risk of sounding basic and inarticulate, I just love it.

Life has been full and busy, challenging but rewarding, and happy but sad.

In typical who is reading this blog? fashion, I find myself second guessing how much to share now. Last weekend when I went home, I found out a friend passed away earlier in the week. For the first half of my twenties, I just didn't like myself very much. This person was someone I was close to because he was a fierce friend and emotionally resuscitated me during my one of my standard summers of self hatred in 2003. And 2004. Oh, and 2005, 2006, 2007. He was unabashedly truthful, even when it hurt to hear. Especially then. He always wore pink pants and he was exactly rude enough to make you feel like it was the best kind of tough love. So to hear that he's gone from our little blue orb hurts. I held it in all night until we got back to the house and then unleashed a hurricane of tears on Ariana (my cousin slash favorite person), who comforted me for an entire evening. Moki, my parents' kitty, must have felt the grief too because she slept in my arms all night, squeezing me with her paws whenever I tossed or turned. I hate writing this because it sounds like it's about me, the pain of loss. It's not. My dad summed it up best: "Being a human being is so messy." I will remember Jordan as the guy who repeatedly punched me in the arm and opened my beers and told me to stop fucking kidding myself all the time.

Other things? Traveling a lot this month, for work/pleasure/surgery in the family. I have been neglecting my social life and friends and telling myself it's just because I'm busy at the new job and with clients but the reality is that I'm becoming sort of an introvert. For so many reasons, I feel myself becoming more guarded, evaluating who to trust. This shouldn't be at the expense of the people I care about though.

To randomly conclude, it occurred to me the other night as I walked home from work that all of the things that I feel so blessed about are things I demanded for myself. Funny how when you start expecting more, you automatically deliver, for yourself.

I'm growing up. Life is so good.