It's week three at my new job and at the risk of sounding basic and inarticulate, I just love it.
Life has been full and busy, challenging but rewarding, and happy but sad.
In typical who is reading this blog? fashion, I find myself second guessing how much to share now. Last weekend when I went home, I found out a friend passed away earlier in the week. For the first half of my twenties, I just didn't like myself very much. This person was someone I was close to because he was a fierce friend and emotionally resuscitated me during my one of my standard summers of self hatred in 2003. And 2004. Oh, and 2005, 2006, 2007. He was unabashedly truthful, even when it hurt to hear. Especially then. He always wore pink pants and he was exactly rude enough to make you feel like it was the best kind of tough love. So to hear that he's gone from our little blue orb hurts. I held it in all night until we got back to the house and then unleashed a hurricane of tears on Ariana (my cousin slash favorite person), who comforted me for an entire evening. Moki, my parents' kitty, must have felt the grief too because she slept in my arms all night, squeezing me with her paws whenever I tossed or turned. I hate writing this because it sounds like it's about me, the pain of loss. It's not. My dad summed it up best: "Being a human being is so messy." I will remember Jordan as the guy who repeatedly punched me in the arm and opened my beers and told me to stop fucking kidding myself all the time.
Other things? Traveling a lot this month, for work/pleasure/surgery in the family. I have been neglecting my social life and friends and telling myself it's just because I'm busy at the new job and with clients but the reality is that I'm becoming sort of an introvert. For so many reasons, I feel myself becoming more guarded, evaluating who to trust. This shouldn't be at the expense of the people I care about though.
To randomly conclude, it occurred to me the other night as I walked home from work that all of the things that I feel so blessed about are things I demanded for myself. Funny how when you start expecting more, you automatically deliver, for yourself.
I'm growing up. Life is so good.
